December 13, 2012 by Lisa Lou
I don’t know what it is about blogging, but these last few days I’ve really missed it. My laptop cord completely broke so I’ve been laptopless. If you’ve liked my Facebook page (and if you haven’t, you probably should. See link at right.), you know that I’ve been trying to keep you all updated, but virtual keyboards suck balls, so it always comes out all wrong and auto-corrected.
Me and auto-correct do not see eye to eye. First of all, I do know how to spell and don’t need a hopelessly flawed electronic dictionary to question my every word. And I know a lot more words than my virtual keyboard. And I make up words all the time. So anything I try to write on my Kindle or phone turns into some stupid gibberish that even I can’t understand. And you can’t edit Facebook posts, which I think is a great big pile of bullshit. I mean seriously. Outside of my friend Dave, who will change a comment that you’ve liked to something stupid like “Like this comment if you think Dave is awesome.” or “Like this comment if you agree with everything I just said.” after you’ve already liked it, I’ve never seen anyone abuse the “edit comment” feature, so why the hell can’t we edit our posts?? Makes no sense.
I’d like to tell you all that you’ve been missing great big happenings in my life, but really it was just more of the same over the past week. I should’ve got off the couch and cleaned, but I laid around watching TV and talking on the phone. I should’ve wrapped Christmas presents and worked on laundry, but I didn’t do that either.
I was told that my “Matron of Honor” duties for my niece’s upcoming wedding have been reduced to “Bachelorette Party Planner” on accounta she and her future husband have decided to take the future out of it and forget the wedding. A quiet quick marriage on New Year‘s Day is being planned instead. If this were the 50′s we could all whisper about babies and scandalous behavior, but here in the 21st century, no one cares about all that. She’s not pregnant. They just want to skip all the stress and money that goes along with a wedding and get to the good part. As any married person knows, the good part is the bachelorette party.
I’m pretty sure we threw my friend Amber’s bachelorette party together in like 15 minutes when she and her boyfriend up and decided to get married on New Year’s Eve last year. I have a week to work on this one, so it should be phenomenal. Well, maybe not phenomenal, but we’ll all get ourselves good and wasted and not remember a thing anyway. That’s about all that is required to make a good bachelorette party. Well, that and penis accessories. Being a balloon artist comes in handy sometimes. At my friend Mandy’s bachelorette party I constructed penis hats and party favors that we waved out of the window of our party bus at any and all bystanders. Sometimes it’s good to get out and make a complete ass of yourself.
Ha. Now I’m having memories of Mandy’s bachelorette party. Well, not so much memories as remembered reports of my behavior that I received after the fact. I think I told a stripper to get off the crack and get off the pole and do something with her life. What? I was trying to help her see her potential. Some people get me all wrong. I may have also said something about her ugly boobs and asked her (I’m sure in a very polite way) to put her clothes back on because no one wants to see that. Oops. Fond “memories”.
Of course, because I’m the aunt of this particular bachelorette, I’ll be on my best behavior. I’m sure that I will conduct myself in a way befitting someone in my position. Anastasia? We’ll see. This multiple personality shit is for the birds. You just never can tell what will happen. Ah well.
In other news, I’m ready for Christmas. I have 2 more presents to buy and it’s over. I still have to wrap and bake cookies, and plan Christmas breakfast and Christmas dinner, but other than that, I’m ready. I know that everyone thinks that Christmas has become overly commercialized and it totally has, but I still love it. I love buying presents and giving presents, and baking cookies, and making my kids crazy by talking about Santa all the time.
My kids don’t believe in Santa. I think that’s sad. Like how did they get old enough to not believe in magic anymore? It goes so fast, childhood. To make up for it, I just pretend that they believe. I make them write their lists and address them to Santa. I make them watch the videos that I make from Santa on the Portable North Pole website. I make them leave cookies for Santa, though I don’t make them leave milk. This Santa doesn’t drink milk, she drinks beer.
If you have little kids and you’ve never done the Portable North Pole videos, you NEED to check it out. Though I do wish people would stop posting them on Facebook. The older kids will figure out very, VERY quickly that the videos are all the same. You can find them here:
I’m so happy to be blogging again, I could go on and on. I won’t though on accounta you’ll get bored with all my blubbering and I might run out of things to say (not likely). I’m off to my mom and dad’s to help put up their Christmas tree. My dad made my favorite dinner, so we’ll be staying for that too.
I’ll be back tomorrow. Honest Injun, I will.